like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
