my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
