Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
