Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
