In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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