my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
