i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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