My hand turned me down
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
You're like the curious george of whores
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
