This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
