fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
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