someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
