Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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