Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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