Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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