By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
