Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I need to sanitize my soul.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.