i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Drake has all the answers
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine