went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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