I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Two words: blizzard sex
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Randomize
