Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
