She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
