The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
