So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
