Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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