Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
