he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
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I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
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Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
tell me about the eggs
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