If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
