One girl and one boy is just not enough.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
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I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
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