I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
