So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Never joke about your clitoris.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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