You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
