Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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