dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
