You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
