All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
