Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I smell like Dick and happiness
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
