I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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