I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.