Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
