Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
