You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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