i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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