so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
It's rum buckets o'clock
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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