This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
