My Higher Power is John Stamos
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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