saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
