Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
