I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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