In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
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