my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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