the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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