recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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