There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
