I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
