Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
