I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
