can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Randomize
