If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have surprise drugs for everyone
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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