i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Randomize
